July funnies


An old cowboy walks into a barbershop and asks the barber for a haircut and shave. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

• Judy is not allowed to play the lottery. She hit the jackpot when she married me.

• 29% of people let their pets sleep in their beds. My goldfish died.

• My wife is amazing. For my birthday she purchased a $250,000 life insurance policy and a trip to the Dominican Republic.

• Does anyone have a longer dipstick for sale. Mine doesn’t reach the oil anymore.

• “Honey, do you remember those wild parties we used to go to in the 1960’s?”

• “ Remember them? I’ve still got the Tupperware.”

The Crow crows…

American environment officials discovered 200 dead crows on the highway between Aiken, SC and Augusta, GA. and they raised concern that the crows may have died from Avian Flu or something from the Savannah River.

The Government agreed, and directed the local officials to contract a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows. The official confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.

After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause of the deaths.

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck.” Hello?

This is true. I lived in Atlanta and met my bride there and drove through and around that town at all hours of the day and night. The Publisher

  1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
  2. All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree…”
  3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end.
  4. Atlantans only know their way home and their way to work.
  5. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
  6. It’s impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a “scenic drive”.
  7. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  8. “Sir” and “Ma’am” are used by the person speaking to you if there’s a remote possibility that you’re at least 30 minutes older than they are.
  9. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.
  10. The falling of one rain drop causes all traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings time and a girl applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over.
  11. If you’re standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you’re expected to get on and go somewhere.
  12. Atlanta is pronounced “Lan-uh”.
  13. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
  14. Construction crews aren’t doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
  15. Atlanta’s traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta’s traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.
  16. Atlantans are very proud of their race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.
  17. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus.

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