Insults With Class-Opening ones’ mouth to subtract from the sum of human knowledge


Compiled by Bill Derby

I’ve published this column before but maybe it’s time again for all our conservative and liberal friends.

• “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill

• “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill

• “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow

• “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

• “Poor Faulkner, Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

• “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas

• “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

• “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

• “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain

• “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde

•“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)

• “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill (in response to George Bernard Shaw)

• “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop

• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright

• “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb

• “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson

• “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating

• “He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr

• “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” – Jack E. Leonard

• “He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford

• “They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

• “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” – James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

• “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Count Talleyrand

• “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker

• “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain

• “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde

• “A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone’s feelings unintentionally.”  Oscar Wilde

• “I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes.” – Oscar Wilde

• “He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang

• “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder

• “If you can’t ignore an insult, top it; if you can’t top it, laugh it off; and if you can’t laugh it off, it’s probably deserved.” – J. Russell Lynes

• “A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the -best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation.” – Moliere

• “Never insult anyone by accident.” – Robert A. Heinlein

• “Insults should be written in sand, compliments should be carved in stone.” – Arab Proverb

• “The way to procure insults is to submit to them: a man meets with no more respect than he exacts.” – William Hazlitt


Dean Martin, a comedian, actor and singer was of Italian ancestry. That’s why his song ‘That’s Amore’ was such a hit. Some oaf came up with this funny poem to emphasize ‘love’ or ‘That’s Amore.’


That’s No More, Eh? Lyrics for Dean Martin’s Italian love song


When the moon hits your eye,

Like a big pizza pie,

That’s amore.


When an eel bites your hand,

And that’s not what you planned,

That’s a moray.


When our habits are strange,

And our customs deranged,

That’s our mores.


When your horse munches straw,

And four bales he eats all,

That’s some more hay.


When Othello’s poor wife,

Becomes stabbed with a knife,

That’s a Moor, eh?



When a Japanese knight,

Uses swords in a fight,

That’s Samurai.


When your sheep go to graze,

In a damp marshy space,

That’s a moor, eh?


When your boat comes home fine,

And you tie up her line,

That’s a moor, eh?


When you ace your last test,

Like you did all the rest,

That’s some more A’s!


When on Mt. Cook you see,

An old aborigine,

That’s a Maori.


Alley Oop’s homeland has,

A space gun with pizzazz,

That’s a Moo ray…


A comedian ham,

With the name Amsterdam,

That’s a Morey.


When your last chocolate graham,

Is so full and so crammed,

That s’more.


When you’ve had quite enough,

Of this dumb rhyming stuff,

That’s “No more!” eh?


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