This is true. Judy and I were pulling out of the Post Office parking lot and I noticed a bumper sticker proclaiming… “I Love My Husband.” I had never seen such a nice bumper sticker before and suggested to Judy she should get one for her car. I then noticed the car’s license tag from Connecticut.
I said, ”Down south that bumper sticker would read… ‘I Love My Truck!’” Judy didn’t answer. Here are some funnies for the week.
The Pity Train – Lifestyle Tips from Dr. Sniffle– The Pity Train has derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On, and crashed into We All Have Problems, before coming to a complete stop at Get The Heck Over It. Any complaints about how we operate can be forwarded to 1-800-waa-waaa.
This is Dr. Sniffle reporting LIVE from Quit Complaining. If you like this, enjoy. If you don’t, suck it up – life doesn’t revolve around YOU!
Backwoods Birth – Birth on the homestead: Deep in the backwoods, a woman went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern… It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.
The father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”
Professor Kisses – Romance as defined by college professors
• Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
• Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.
• Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
• Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of the mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
• Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
• Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
• Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
• Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
• Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
• Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old.
• Prof. of English: A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
• Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.
Marriage seminars are easy for Bubba – While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bubba and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He addressed Bubba, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
Bubba leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “That’s easy – it’s White Lily All-Purpose!”
Perfect Sight Golfer – Why I’m giving up golf: Beverly is 90 years old. She’s played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad.
“That’s it,” she tells her husband, Gus. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.
Her husband makes her a cup of tea and asks, “Why don’t you take me with you and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good,” she replied, “You’re 103 and you can’t help.”
“I may be a hundred and three”, says Gus, “but my eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. She turns to the husband and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replied Gus. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” asks Beverly.
“I don’t remember.”