In need of new bloomers


By Bill Derby

It would be my guess that most men don’t go shopping for undies until the last possible moment. There are various reasons a man might need new bloomers but the most common would be they just plain wear out. You can only wash a pair of cotton garments so many times.

Think about it. Some guys may have a large number of briefs, maybe 25 to 50 pairs, depending on storage space. Others may only have seven, one pair for each day of the week. Some may wear the same pair of undies for two or three days in a row but that’s not recommended. There are some dudes who go commando, just like Kramer from the Jerry Seinfeld TV show.  And again, there are some fellows, with cash in their drawers, who might wear only one pair a day then throw them out.

I had to make a quick decision this past weekend, take advantage of a coupon advertising a nice discount from a local department store or miss out. My oldies were getting worn and tattered. I do have a few nice ones for special occasions.  Judy had accidently-on-purpose bleached a few of them resulting in polka dot briefs. Other pairs had mysteriously disappeared. I had even discarded a pair with elastic band deterioration. In fact, that pair wouldn’t stay up. Trust me, that’s a very uncomforting feeling when talking to someone while your underwear is slowly sliding down your leg. There’s no way to stop gravity or elastic failure except to sit down, so I decided to make a bloomer purchase.

I found a package of four nice looking briefs. I can’t wait to throw out the old and put on the new. It’s funny though. The new briefs were packaged in a zip-lock plastic bag with the brand logo showcasing all the advantages of owning four pairs of undergarments.

Why in the world would a company package underwear in a zip-lock plastic bag? Do they get stale? Are they thinking you will put them back into the bag after wearing them for a day?  It would get a little crowded in the bag after wearing four pairs not to mention the unsanitary conditions. Maybe they were thinking the bag would make a nice travel companion. I am baffled. It could be these briefs were made in Asia and they cherish useable space. Not sure if that’s the reason or the original package was meant for dog food or candy.

On the other hand, I’m thinking wives buy underwear for their husbands more so than men buy their own. Women love to shop. Men like being taken care of. That’s the ‘nurse theory.’ Women also might go for the sexier ‘tighty whities’ than the bulky briefs so beloved by the average male. Sometimes bulky briefs can double as swimming trunks, not so for the jockey wear.

The following story still makes me laugh and it’s true since it comes from one of our church ladies.

I don’t know how the subject came up but Sarah was telling me about her grandson’s ‘Sponge Bob’ underpants. One day while Sarah was keeping her grandson she noticed he had put on his underwear backwards.

She said, “Honey, you have your ‘Sponge Bob’ underwear on backwards.”

His simple and straightforward reply came back, “Grandmother, that’s so I can see ‘ Sponge Bob’ in front!”

There you go. Men don’t care what their undies look like.


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