How not to make the sexiest man list


By Bill Derby

Each year a number of women’s magazines publish a list of the 10 sexiest men in America. One publication even takes the time to decide on 100 of the most sexy. Poor old George Clooney came up 97th on that list. I guess he has been downgraded since he’s now married and is in his early 50’s. That happens to a number of gentlemen. They get hitched and taken off the market or age puts them out of the game.

What qualifies as sexy? I guess it’s in the eye of the beholder. Could it be the two day stubble many men wear these days? Is it the gooey hair look? Is it their aloofness?  Could it be the chubby guy running around naked on the TV show ‘Naked and Afraid?’  For the life of me I can’t understand why anyone would want to watch that brain-dead television epic of people running around in the jungle without any clothes or even without a roll of toilet paper whining about gnats and mosquitos. It’s bad enough walking through the jungle with clothes on.  I’ve never seen an episode of that dud show and have only seen blurry images of humans while flipping through the channels.

The fact is they need to start the “sexiest old man list.” There are more old men now than young men. I have friends who could be on that list this very day.

Unfortunately I’ve been on a number of lists.  I’m always on top of Judy’s ‘to do’ list.  I was on the draft board’s list once. I even made the dean’s list a couple of times. I’ve been on a couple of short lists and plenty of long lists.

It’s never good to hear, “he’s next on the list.” That sounds like the doctor’s or dentist’s waiting room list.

If the sexiest old man list is ever published there would be challenges to overcome to even be considered. Personal hygiene being one of them. Some guys tend to forget about it, others continue to improve just to stay even with aging difficulties.

I suppose I’m maturing at the correct rate. I try to wear clothes around the house now. I keep my nose and ear hair trimmed mostly. But I do have one problem that probably plagues most males in America. I forget to zip my fly on occasion. It’s not on purpose mind you. But it does happen.

Males have had the zipper challenge all their lives. And I bet there’s not one of us who has gotten up in front of the class to recite a poem or give a report that has not left his fly unzipped. Usually a girly giggle or your best buddy pointing south to warn you helped correct this malfeasance.

Leaving the barn door open is scary since it’s now known as one of the first signs of senility. That will scare a bunch of you.

How do you tell someone their zipper is open? What is socially acceptable? A soft whisper from the wife always works… “hey stupid, you left your fly open again.”

Other notifications might me…. “XYZ –Examine Your Zipper”; “You’ve got Windows In Your Laptop” (a modern variation); “You’re Flying Low”; “Elvis Is Leaving The Building,” and many more too numerous or embarrassing to mention here.

Once on a business trip to Chicago I stayed in an old hotel with elevator operators. I left for dinner going down to the restaurant. The elevator attendant looked at me and said,   “It’s three o’clock.”

“No, it’s not. It’s 7 o’clock,” I replied.

“Sir, your fly is open,” he answered.

Oh well, I’ll live with it and try to do better.

Leaving your fly open automatically disqualifies anyone from making the sexiest list. But that’s okay.

Maybe being sexy is not as important as being able to fix a leaky faucet or blow the leaves out of the gutter or even cooking a delicious meal. I bet George can’t fix a leak or cook beef tenderloin. In my way of thinking, there’s nothing sexier than a beef tenderloin cooked to perfection.


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