Compiled by Bill Derby
I had the opportunity to play golf Sunday morning with two of my friends. I’ll make up missing church since one of my friends was leaving town later and Sunday would be the last time we had a chance to be together before winter sets in. We have played together off and on since the 1970’s and it was fun being together again.
Of course at our advanced age the game is a little more difficult. We are now more lenient about the strict rules of golf. As we teed off through the thick Sunday morning fog, halfway down the first fairway, the sky opened into brilliant sunlight, a sure sign of a great day with old friends.
We chalked up our bad shots to ‘ARD,’ age-related-deficiencies. “Hit another shot buddy. The bright sun was in your eyes!” In any case we referred to the new rules of golf for seniors listed below. These new rules sure help your game.
Rule 1.a.5 – A ball sliced or hooked into the Rough shall be lifted and placed on the Fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the Rough with no penalty. The senior player should not be penalized for tall grass which ground keepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (B) – A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed NOT to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.B.3(G) – There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, thereby making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h) – If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Law of Gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5. – Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the Hole. No one wants to make a mockery of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k) – There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior player deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.G.15(z) – There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior players should not be penalized for any shortcomings of the manufacturers.
Rule 8.k.9(S) – Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior players, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment. Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes and keep multiple copies in your golf bag. Those not following the rules need to be provided a copy. Golf is a game of integrity.
Fatherly advice dad and son talk… before it’s too late! A father spoke to his son, “It’s time we had a little talk, my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you’ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You’ll be preoccupied and won’t be able to think of anything else.”
He added, “But don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal… it’s called golf.
No Time For Anesthetic” Golfer: Make sure the dentist doesn’t slow down your golf game
A man and his wife walked into a Dentist’s office. The man said to the Dentist, “Doctor, I’m in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it – I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The Dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the Dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, Honey, and show the Doctor which tooth hurts.”