Compiled by Bill Derby
More stupid thoughts during this home confinement
• I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
• Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
• Common sense is so rare these days it should be considered a super power.
• When a pig has gas, does it smell like bacon?
• That terrifying moment when your cat enters your room, stares at something you can’t see, and then runs away in panic.
• Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has obviously never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing “K” instead of “OK”?
• Had a bad mix up at the store today. When the cashier said strip down facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card.
• You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.
• Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.
• Turning vegan would be a big missed steak!
• When I say “the other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
• I just bought my husband a ‘Get better soon’ card. He’s not sick….I just think he could be better.
• I’m no cactus expert but I know a prick when I see one.
• Have you ever listened to some folks for a minute and thought…”Their cornbread ain’t done in the middle.”
• Chocolate is to women what duct tape is to men. It fixes everything.
• You’re not fat! Come on, chin up. No, the other one…..
• Time to get up and get going….Today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves!
• Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.
• Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.
• Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, “My fanny is going to sleep.”
“I know,” replied her companion, “I heard it snore three more times.”
How To Lie To The Bathroom Scale (While trying to get through this crisis)
• Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner… as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.
• Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
• When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
• Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage.
• Always go to the bathroom first.
• Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
• Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.
• Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
• Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
• Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it.
You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.