“Don’t stand behind a coughing cow…”


By Bill Derby

My late father can attest to that remark.  As a milk container salesman for International Paper Company, dad called on numerous large dairies selling what was once the standard in milk delivery, the paper milk dispenser. You can still see these dispensers like Half n’ Half and other products in the grocery milk section.

On a large dairy farm in middle Tennessee dad had been invited to take a look at the dairy farmer’s prize Guernsey cows down in the pasture. He followed close behind noting the beautiful animals although not knowing a Guernsey from a cute little Angus heifer.

Heading back to the barn he walked right behind a coughing cow and was covered in her daily deposit of chewed green grass. His clothes were covered in the fragrant droppings.

The dairyman’s wife quickly volunteered to wash his clothes while dad waited draped in the owner’s housecoat. Even though he was pooped on, he came out the winner, selling the dairy a big order of milk cartons. He laughed for years about that incident.

Large dairies, independently owned, are nearly a thing of the past. I found these thought-provoking country sayings that might help you get through the week.

1. A cat that licks his paw may be scratching his tongue.

2. A fancy title is about as useful as the curl in a pig’s tail.

3. Life is like juggling pitchforks: everyone knows when you mess up.

4. Cream rises to the top, and so does some other crud.

5. When a fellow is late for work, he should do the right thing and leave work early to make up for it.

6.  Some folks have to snore in self-defense.

7.  Courtship is dancing in the moonlight; marriage is washing socks.

8.  A rooster does the crowing while the hen does the work.

9.  It’s hard to plant a seedless grape.

10. Hunt every varmint downwind except a polecat.

11. The difference between young liars and old thieves is just a matter of time.

12. A mule can’t help it if his daddy was a jackass.

13.  If at first you don’t succeed, try raising rabbits.

14,  It’s hard to keep a blanket on the naked truth.

15.  An ignorant fella is hell-bent on proving his limitations.

16.  If you run with hounds, expect to get fleas.

17.  No women is truly free unless she can change a flat tire.

18.  The only thing worse than a lawn mower that won’t start is one that will.

19. A lot of what a man knows, a woman knows better.

20. Never– under any circumstances – admit you like to cook!


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