College Humor


Compiled by Bill Derby

By the time you reach college age you should be, more or less, on the road to maturity. I found a load of random thoughts and ideas listed below from college-aged young adults. I suspect many of these young people will finish some of their courses even more confused at what they want to do in life than before they took the course, Philosophy for instance. Here they are:


•  I’m a classically trained pianist. Whenever I made a mistake, my father beat me with “War and Peace.”

•  In Australia, when playing chess, they have to say “checkmate” and “checkmatemate” to avoid confusion.

•  I saw a really old picture of a guy working out. He was quite sepia toned.

•  I ran into my ex-girlfriend today. It didn’t go well. Now I need to get my truck fixed.


On Regrets

•  People are always judging me, and I wouldn’t mind so much if the verdict wasn’t always a restraining order.

•  I never knew how to create suspense. But now… I do.

•  Avatar made me think blue women could be sexy. The recent cold weather changed my mind.

•  I’m not so much “World’s Best Boss” as I am “Guy Who Beat Someone Up and Stole Their Mug.”

•  I got hooked on phonics when I was 11. Everyday it’s a struggle to see a word and not try to sound that sucker out.

•  I know a lot of people hate paying ATM services fees, but I don’t. It’s a lot less expensive than paying everyone in the room to pretend you’re not a cheapskate.

•  I always feel like I’m about to get murdered or die in a horrible accident whenever “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” comes on the radio. “Wooly Bully,” too. I can’t understand anything the guy’s saying, so I have to assume it’s about dying.

•  “To infinity (bed, bath) and beyond!”

•  I’m so glad 2018 is here, my birthday’s this year!

•  I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

•  The moment you know your girlfriend’s too big–When you push her in a river and someone else yells “Dam.”

•  I gave up on searching for true love, when Google gave me 67 million results.

•  “I’d love to, but I have to help a friend move” is always an honest excuse if you’re a ventriloquist.

•  I was talking to my girlfriend about Yoga. She said it could cure all illness and disease. I think it’s a stretch.

•  I’m an anthropologist. Every time my girlfriend gets mad at me, I buy her something from Anthropology.

•  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been mistaken for Jon Hamm. But I guess that comes with the territory after you steal his credit card and SS#.

•  My mom brought home a step-ladder yesterday. It’s so weird not having my real ladder around anymore.

•  Going bald at a young age can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone. I just found this really strong support group called “skinheads”.

•  I yelled “It’s snowing!” right in the middle of algebra today I was so excited. Then they escorted me off the premises because I’m 25.

•  I wonder what compelled man to first settle in arctic climates. I bet it was the promise of their women eventually evolving into blondes.

•  There’s something to be said about specificity. Not sure what though.

•  Mumbling is a lot like talking in cursive.

•  My parents don’t approve of me attending culinary school. They think I’m just wasting thyme.

•  I’m on a first-name basis with most elderly people. They call me the first name they can think of, and I politely go along with it.


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