By Bill Derby
These are actual published ads I found that are funny and a play on words..
• 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• For Sale: Three canaries of undermined sex.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: “Keep out of children.”
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• On a can of insect spray: “Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees.”
• A different brand of insect spray: “Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals.”
• On a Halloween Batman costume: “This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.”
• On a packet of juggling balls: “This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA.”
• On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: “Protect from seawater.”
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
