Advertising with a sense of humor


HowTwinsAreMadeBy Bill Derby

These are actual published ads I found that are funny and a play on words..

•  3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

•  A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

•  And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

•  Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

•  Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

•  For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

•  For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

•  For Sale: Three canaries of undermined sex.

•  Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

•  Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

•  Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

•  Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

•  In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: “Keep out of children.”

•  Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

•  Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

•  Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

•  On a can of insect spray: “Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: this spray is harmful to bees.”

•  A different brand of insect spray: “Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals.”

•  On a Halloween Batman costume: “This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.”

•  On a packet of juggling balls: “This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA.”

•  On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines: “Protect from seawater.”

•  Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

•  Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

•  Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

•  Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

•  Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

•  Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

•  Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

•  Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

•  Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

•  Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

•  We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


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