I promise this is my last column about our COVID pandemic and after this past weekend the first note below will justify my promise. We are getting our shots as fast as they can get the vaccine to us. Be sure to get in line.
• I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… she gave me a hug!
• If you see my kids locked out today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill!
• Home schooling Day 3. They all graduated today.
• Somewhere out there there’s a kid that brought home the class hamster for the weekend. The parents are not happy.
• I get most of exercise these days by shaking my head in disbelief.
• The spread of COVID 19 is based on two factors. 1. How dense the populations is. 2. How dense the populations is.
• I imagine by now that a lot of husbands are ready to build that She Shed.
• To all the folk’s hording toilet paper, I went to all the stores and purchased all the plungers and Drain-O. Check. Mate.
• People driving alone wearing their masks is the reason there’s instructions on shampoo bottles.
• The dumbest thing I ever purchased was a 2020 planner.
• We thought we would have flying cars by 2020, but no. Here we are teaching people how to wash their hands.
• Do not let them take your temperature going into a store. It’s a scam! They are erasing your memory. I went for bread and eggs but came home with Blue Bell Ice Cream and Snickers.
• Anybody else feel like they cooked dinner about 845 times this month?
• Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after someone had blown on it…. Wild times!
• I just dumped a package of M&M’s into my mask at work and am slowing eating them like a horse.
• Going to feel bad for all the teachers next year who hear, “That’s not how my mom taught me to do it,” from their students.
• October 2050: John just opened the last roll of toilet paper his parents bought in 2020.
• Other people: What did you learn from the quarantine in 2020? Me: Bigfoot’s name is Darryl.
• “Saw my neighbor, Tammy, out early this morning scraping the “My kid is a Terrific Student” sticker off her minivan. Guess that homeschooling didn’t go so well.
• When a sketchy guy wearing a mask and gloves rings your doorbell at night: 2019: “Oh my goodness, quick call the cops!” 2020: “Yay! Dinner’s here, let’s eat!”
• I found that I have been a lot happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and sugars, but I really think it’s the Vodka.
• If you wear your jeans five days in a row they become all baggy and it looks like you are losing weight. Follow me for more ‘quarantine life’ pro tips.
• At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I’d just go.
• A lady’s comment: All these men gripping about wearing a mask. Try wearing a bra for a week in August.
• Some people just write lockdown because they can’t spell kwarinteen.
• I am trying to explain to my grandchildren how a guy eating bat soup in China led to a toilet paper shortage.
• When I was 22 I was a temporary worker at Pfizer. I was so bad at the job that I would fall asleep often and was eventually fired. I’m not saying I discovered the vaccine but I’d like to think I was part of the team.
• I just got kicked out of a ‘flat earth Facebook group’ because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline had pushed anyone off the edge yet.
• Now they’re saying if you survived COVID the government wants your plasma….no sir, they ain’t taking my TV.
• Are you gonna send your kid to school with the Paw Patrol mask and he comes home with a Spider Man mask because he made a trade at lunch? They’ll shut down the school the next day.
• Wash your hands like you just ate a load of Buffalo wings and are getting ready to put on a wedding dress.
