Ugly Suit Salesman Taking a risk on a bad sale
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.”
Two friends were so confident going into their University of Tennessee final that the weekend before finals (even though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the University of Virginia (UVA) and party with some friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to UT until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Murdoch after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
The Professor thought this over and then agreed that they could makeup the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Professor Murdoch had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) “Which tire?”
Skillful business graduates are hard to find
The bank manager noticed the new clerk was quite skillful at counting money and adding up figures.
“Where did you get your finance education?” he asked.
“Yale,” replied the lad.
“And what’s your name?” asked the manager.
“Yim Yohnston,” he replied.
Lemon Picker, Picking lemons most of your life?
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position.
“Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?” he asked.
“Well, I think I do,” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
The Perfect Dress, Best way to rehearse for a dress run
Julia’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement. Her mother, who had recently gone through a nasty divorce, had just found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Julia was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Julia asked her step-mother to exchange it, but she refused.
“Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied peevishly.
Julia told her mother, who graciously said, “Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.”
That weekend, Julia and her Mom went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Julia asked her mother, “Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.”
Her mother just smiled and replied, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!”
Flat Tarr Rednecks know how to use flower power
There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside, picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I have a flat tarr.”
In response the passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither.”
Woman Without Her Man, Professor teaches class to be punctual
An English professor wrote on the blackboard: woman without her man is nothing and told his students to add punctuation to it.
The males in the class wrote: Woman, without her man, is nothing.
The females wrote: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.