A column I know absolutely nothing about…but I hear things.


By Bill Derby

Occasionally I have heard women talking about their pregnancy, catching only a muted remark here and there. I vaguely remember my son’s birth. Back in those days the husband was not allowed in the delivery room. I was a nervous wreck pacing the waiting room as any typical new father would be while my bride was in labor.

Since my, then, brother-in-law had been through a couple of childbirths he stopped by the old Memorial Hospital and suggested we go down the street to the Elk’s Club and relax there while Judy was in labor and then return shortly. I think he had a good idea of how long it took to go through labor and delivery.

I made it back in plenty of time to hear the doctor’s declaration that I had a brand new baby boy.

Ladies, if you are currently pregnant or have given birth in the past, enjoy these questions and answers about childbirth.

• I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? – With any luck, right after he finishes college.

• How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? – If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

• What is the most common pregnancy craving? – For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

• What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex? – Childbirth.

• The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.  Why? – ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

• My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational. – So what’s your question?

• What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? – Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).

• How long is the average woman in labor? – Whatever she says divided by two.

• My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? – Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

• When is the best time to get an epidural? – Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

• Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? – Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

• Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? – Yes, pregnancy.

• Do I have to have a baby shower? – Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

• Should I have a baby after 35 – No, 35 children are enough.

• Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? – When the kids are in college.

• My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? – Your therapist.

• I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? – Authorized personnel only – doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

• What causes baby blues? – Other tanned, slender beautiful women.

• What is colic? – A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

• What are night terrors? – Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.

• “Edward had a problem, he called up a doctor, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 5 minutes apart!” The doctor asked, “Is this her first child?”  – Edward was enraged, “No! This is her husband!”


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