By Bill Derby
I’ve been looking at a list of country song titles for a few weeks sitting on my desk. I’ve printed a number of them over the years but some are just too funny to let slip by. They are actual song titles and over this past weekend in Nashville, you could have heard a few.
Here are some samples.
• How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?
• Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You’re Going Against the Grain
• I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
• Thank God and Greyhound She’s Gone
• If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
• How Can A Whiskey That’s 6 Years Old Whup A Man That’s 33
• They May Put Me in Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out
• When We Get Back To the Farm (That’s When We Really Go To Town)
• Your Negligee Has Turned to A Flannel Nightgown
• Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Getting’ Better
• Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond and She Clubbed Me With A Spade
• How Come Your Dog Don’t Bite Nobody But Me?
• I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
• If the Phone Don’t Ring, It’s Me Not Calling You Up
• My Give-A-Damn’s Busted
Hymns For All Occasions – Finding the perfect song for the occasion
• The Dentist’s Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
• Weatherman’s Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
• Contractor’s Hymn: The Church’s One Foundation
• The Tailor’s Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
• The Golfer’s Hymn: There’s a Green Hill Far Away
• The Politician’s Hymn: Standing on the Promises
• Optometrist’s Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See Thee
• IRS Agent’s Hymn: I Surrender All
• The Gossip’s Hymn: Pass It On
• The Electrician’s Hymn: Send The Light
• The Shopper’s Hymn: Sweet Bye and Bye
• The Realtor’s Hymn: I’ve Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
• The Massage Therapists Hymn: He Touched Me
• The Doctor’s Hymn: The Great Physician
Brand New Words
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj.- Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n.- The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. – To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow remove all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. – The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane seat.
5. FRUST (frust) n.- The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n.- Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. – The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. – The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. – The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. – The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.