Doctor’s Advice for Husband’s Survival –Wife copes with debilitating disease and stress
My wife, Marilyn accompanied me to the Doctor’s office for my annual physical. After the physical, and while I was getting dressed the Doctor called Marilyn into his office alone.
He told Marilyn, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you do not follow my advice your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal and put it on a TV tray in front of his lounging chair. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him and let him eat it where he chooses.”
“Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him because it will only make his stress worse.”
“Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him several backrubs. Encourage him to watch sporting events on television.”
“And most importantly, kiss and hug your husband several times a day.”
“If you can do this for the next year, I think your husband will begin to regain his health.”
On the way home, I asked Marilyn what the Doctor told her.
She said, “You’re going to die.”
ARACHNOLEPTIC FIT: The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
BEELZEBUG: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
BOZONE: The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
CATERPALLOR: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
DECAFALON: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly (usually after a few drinks).
GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
HIPATITIIS: Terminal coolness.
INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a Redneck.
SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.