By Bill Derby
Atheist Holiday – U.S. court case sets new Atheist Holiday
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a wise judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, “Case Dismissed.”
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, “Your Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah… yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, “Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate, his own atheists’ holiday!”
The lawyer pompously said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?”
The judge said, “Well it comes every year on exactly the same date… April 1st. Since our calendar sets April 1st as “April Fools Day,” consider Psalm 14:1 and Psalm 53 which state, “The fool says in his heart, there is no God.” Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday!”
What’s In Easter? – Little Johnny props egg on his face
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.
He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”
“I know!” Little Johnny exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”
Easter Bunny’s Hare Spray – This Easter Bunny lost his in-hair-itance
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
Time To Pull The Plug? – A man and his wife were sitting in the living room. He said to her, “Just so you know… I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug…”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer…
How you would like to be remembered – Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
“I would like my grandchildren to say, ‘He was successful in business’,” declared the first man.
“Fifty years from now,” said the second, “I want them to say, ‘He was a loyal family man’.”
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, “So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?”
“Me?” the third man replied. “I want them all to say, “He certainly looks good for his age’!”
Wabbits – A young little girl who had just lost her two front teeth walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees (so that he’s on her level), and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?”
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pyfon weally gives a whoot.”
• Dear God: This is my prayer. Could you please give my brother some brains. So far he doesn’t have any.
• Dear Lord: Thank you for the nice day today. You even fooled the TV weather man. Hank, 7
• Dear God: Please help me in school. I need help in spelling, adding, history, geography and writing. I don’t need help in anything else. Lois, 9
• Dear God: I need a raise in my allowance. Could you have one of your angels tell my father. Thank you.
• Dear God: I am saying my prayers for me and my brother, Billy, because Billy is six months old and he can’t do anything but sleep and wet his diapers. Diane, 8